Let’s be honest, I’ve never been one to reach for power positions. But I suppose I could impart some thoughts about holding office if that unlikely scenario should ever happen.
But just so we’re clear, I’m much more content to lurk in the shadows and tell stories about being a treasurer in 4-H or go into more detail about how I think the world is really going to end (no, it won’t be Ebola…but I haven’t completely ruled out a “Contagion”-like disease in lieu of nuclear fallout).
But to indulge you all, here’s what our country might look like if I were president.
First thing’s first. I’d put more women in positions of power. Seriously ladies, let’s get this country back in order. I’m a mother, I work full time, I’m writing a book, I manage to train for races AND I’m keeping pace with this blog while getting eight hours of sleep (yes, eight!). If I’m not even striving for power, think what a woman that was striving for power could do.
Solving the enamel crisis
I’d put more funding into creating a whitening strip that doesn’t hurt my teeth. I haven’t whitened in years because of my sensitivity issues, and I don’t feel like it’s fair.
Beyonce would be my BFF. That’s all there is to it.
I would instate a pre-thanksgiving/Christmas season that starts on November 1. It’d be called, The “Thanksmas” season. If you want to keep your fall decorations up and focus on Thanksgiving, you certainly can. But if you’re like me and you want to start listening to Christmas songs on Pandora the day after you just got done listening to Thriller for the eighth time, you shouldn’t be ashamed of that. Listen to that Christmas music and put up a couple Christmas decorations in the spirit of Thanksmas…a time to celebrate the good in all holidays celebrated in November and December. (Disclaimer: Thanksmas stops the day after thanksgiving. Then, only Christmas decorations are allowed. And if you don’t celebrate any of this…that’s cool too!)
Veggie Pizza Day
I would dub June 1, Veggie Pizza day. And I don’t mean the kind you get at Pizza Hut. No, it’s the kind that’s made with a garlic croissant base, lots of cream cheese and dill dip, a layer of cheese and then enough veggies to make you think it’s somewhat healthy (but we all know better). It’s delicious and you all should bow down and pay some respect, for goodness’ sake!
I’d put funding into a red-tap-cutter-a-nator. No, I don’t mean literally cuts red tape. Red tape in the sense that whenever you want to get something worthwhile done there’s always a lot of red tape. Yes, processes are meant to keep us all in check, and I’m not saying this red-tape-cutter-a-nator wouldn’t abide by them, it would just speed up the process. Trying to get clearance to put in that pool? The red-tape-cutter-a-nator will allow your contractor to start tomorrow! Trying to figure out how to file your taxes and see how much you owe or will be refunded? The red-tape-cutter-a-nator will send you whizzing into next week with a satisfied CPA, a stack of paperwork already filled out and approved, and nice little check in your hands (because it also gives you refunds…all the time). In my line of work (I mean, my former line of work since I’m the president now), this would help me do my job a lot faster. And then I’d be putting out more content, and then I’d get bonuses for being so awesome. Happy day!
Bring back Diego
Finally, I’d find a way to take DNA from a tiger today and bring back saber tooth tigers. They would be bred as half domesticated pet, half lethal protector of the white house because it seems like our secret service could use a little more help these days.
Is this a presidency you could handle? Okay, maybe I skimped on the big issues, but cmon, these are issues that we DO have in our country…I’m just trying to go for the low-hanging fruit before I tackle the biggies.
What would your presidency look like?